captivated by His glory

funeral

2008-11-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

We just celebrated the life of Grandma Payne, an amazing woman of God and Michael's grandmother on his mother's side. Although funerals are never a good thing, something amazing generally always happens at them. So I thought I'd make a list of the good things about Grandma Payne's funeral.

celebrating the 89 years of a remarkable woman
seeing family that I don't get to see that often
meeting family members I haven't met before and learning about their lives
hearing stories about the "old" days, when life was much simpler
learning that Grandma Payne loved Krispy Kreme donuts and her two favorite seasonings were salt and pepper
seeing pictures of the younger versions of people I've only met since I met Michael
hearing one of Michael's cousins on the phone with her son say, "I know what's wrong with you, you're 17 and you're a moron."
getting to hang out with my sister-in-law, who has also been my "bestest friend" since 8th grade
all the hugs
all the love
lasagna and coca-cola cake!!!
the laughter shared by friends and family as we remembered the times when Grandma made us laugh, and the tears shared as we all realized just how much we will miss this remarkable woman who loved the Lord with all her heart and loved her neighbors as she loved herself
thanking God for the blessing of this wonderful family He has allowed me to be a part of
the reminder that life is short and the reminder of all I take for granted
knowing that when I get to heaven, Grandma Payne will be there among my other friends and family who are already there

LIGHTS

2008-11-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

I walked in Walmart last Saturday, the Saturday after Halloween, and before my eyes stood a Christmas tree, and I had to smile. I was excited!!! I love how something changes in most people around Thanksgiving and people get a little nicer, are more inclined to give to others, etc.

I have to admit, I am one to get all caught up in it though. I love to give gifts, and I will confess, I like to receive gifts. Now I wouldn't sulk if gifts were not a part of it, but that is part of the fun. My Mom and my in-laws always want a list, which is wonderful to get the things I want, and usually they get something that wasn't on the list which is always a pleasant surprise. Then there's always the challenge of those hard-to-buy-for people, which I'm not sure how well I do at that. Then there's the challenge of the affordable office gifts, so you don't go broke buying for the people you work with, but you don't want to buy something that's going to be sold at their next yard sale either.

I LOVE Christmas lights. The reason we bought a Jeep with a hard top instead of the easy-to-retract top with plastic windows is because I couldn't imagine driving around looking at Christmas lights though plastic windows. I love decorating our tree and looking at the ornaments and the memories they bring. If I get an ornament as a gift, I write the year and whom the ornament was from on the bottom, and I always took as I'm putting the ornaments on the tree.

I wonder what God thinks about how Americans celebrate Christmas. I wonder if He just looks at us and chuckles, the same way Jesus must have looked at the disciples many times and had to refrain from laughing out loud as to not hurt their feelings over things they thought were so important, but in the big picture, the picture Jesus sees, were so minute. I wonder if it makes Him mad. I wonder how many people who don't think about Jesus on a regular basis think about Him during this season. I wonder if God smiles as He hears the voices of choirs singing Christmas music, or if it breaks His heart because of the pain those who are singing the words are covering up inside and are refusing to trust Him to relieve it.

I wonder what God thinks of me and the way I celebrate in His love and the gift of His Son whom He sent here to die for my sins. May my focus be on the glory of God and less on the glory of the worldly celebration of this holiday.

Some things that I enjoy...

2008-11-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

watching football with Michael
pretty much doing anything with Michael
scribing - I'm in the book of Matthew right now, and it's been cool scribing through it
getting an unexpected note from a friend in the mail
seeing kids dressed up for Halloween
when Michael comes up with some new combination of food that I would have never tried on my own, and it's healthy and tastes delicious
listening to my mp3 while I'm running
green tea
fitting into a smaller size clothing
when Tabor poops on the hill in the weeds, which means we don't have to clean up after him
reading a good book - I am about to finish "Breaking Dawn"
hanging out with my friends

Personal Best

2008-10-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went running and ran 4-1/4 miles in about 45 minutes which means I run each mile in 11+minutes. I really want to run my next 5K race in 30 minutes or less, which means I need to be able to run the miles in 9+ minutes, but I can't get below 10+.

When we went to do cardio today, I decided I didn't want to run any long distance because I ran yesterday, so I ran 1 mile and then walked 2 more. I decided I'd go all out on the mile I was going to run and not pace myself like I do when I'm going to run longer distances, and I ran that mile in 8:49!!! I couldn't believe it! It could be a lifetime personal best for me. I was never a fast runner, not that I think that is all that fast, but for me, it is.

So I can run a mile in around 9 minutes. Now if I can work up to running 3 of them in that time, that would be amazing!!!

helpless

2008-10-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Several of my friends recently have expressed to me that they have been in a "funk" or in a "dry place" - basically every one of my friends that I would consider to be a very close friend, and my heart is very heavy for each of them. They have expressed disillusionment with God, Christianity, their lives in general. I am at a loss as to know how to respond. Sometimes my responses to them even sound trite in my own ears; I can't begin to imagine what they must be thinking when I try to offer words of encouragement and hope. I'm not trying to offer some easy way out for them, because I know it's through tough times and times when we don't feel God or sense that He is there that He is even then showing us something, teaching us something, helping us grow, working in us through the struggle.

Each of these friends has a relationship with God that I think is so precious. I have been through some very cool experiences with each of these ladies and I have witnessed special moments of revelation when I have seen God reach down and kiss them on the forehead or draw them into His embrace. I have felt God reaching out to me through them in unique ways that comes out of the depths of their relationship with God, our Daddy.

I have an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, which is probably a good thing. God's probably thinking, "Good, then I can get you out of the way." I may feel helpless but not hopeless. I will hold onto hope for my friends if they ever get to a place where they can barely hang on to it themselves, even if they feel they can't hang on any longer. I will always love them, pray for them, and see the best in them. They are my friends, and my world would be so different without them.

Good rainy day!

2008-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Things I've enjoyed about today:

getting up early with Michael
not having a lot I needed to do away from the Lofts
picking Jeep up from the shop and having all brake lights and signals working again
getting things done in advance for a weekend retreat I am working
getting some cleaning done
spending time thinking about things that would bring me closer to God
seeing the 4 finalists from "Project Runway" on Regis & Kelly

Things I didn't enjoy about today:

picking up the Jeep and it costing over $200 to get the work done we needed
having to go back to Walmart because I forgot to get something while I was there
realizing I've missed the last 6 weeks of "Project Runway" - I thought it was already over and I'd just missed it
having my arms and hands full and having a hard time managing the umbrella on my way in the Lofts from my car

Revolution Students

2008-09-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Last night was the launch for UPRISING, the student ministry at Revolution Church. It was an amazing night, and I was so honored to be a part of it. God really pulled everything together and outside of 87 students being there, which was an amazing number considering nothing has happened with the students specifically since July, there were about 30 adults/college-age students there who were displaying true hearts of servants. The adults and college-age students are making up the team of volunteers who will be the heart beat of Revolution Students. Every one of them dug in where needed, took initiative, and made the whole evening a huge success. From running lights, sound, Pro Presenter, to putting chairs together, laying out red carpet rounds, hanging signs, moving furniture, directing traffic, gathering the signs, WHATEVER was needed, these people rose up and did what was needed no matter what it was.

The band was rockin-!!! Thad did an awesome job of leading the band and pulling it all together. He is a gifted worship leader, and it's awesome to see when he sings out to God and leads others to do so. You could hear the students singing too, and it was beautiful to hear their voices singing out to God with the band. The other guys in the band are very talented, and they rocked the house last night!

I was really proud of Michael. His heart is in the Revolution Student Ministry, and he has been living and breathing the details of last night for the last couple of months. I'm praying that what he shared last night about finding our identity in God versus what happens when we try to find our identity according to the world will get students thinking and considering what God has in store for them.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for Revolution Students!!!

Road Trip

2008-09-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

I am going on a road trip with my Mom next week. We will be traveling to Ohio, and stopping in SC, NC, and VA on the way. My father is buried in SC, and I have cousins in NC. We are visiting one of my Mom's best friends in VA, and we will spend several days there. I'm looking forward to spending some time in D.C. during this part of the trip. My Mom and Dad met in D.C., and my brother and I were born there, well I was born in Maryland. I am looking forward to my Mom showing me the places that we significant to her and my Dad when they lived there. After spending time there we are heading to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Ohio and spending a few days there, then heading home.

I am looking forward to spending this time with my Mom. We only live about 90 minutes away from each other, but sometimes it seems like it might as well be another state.

Mom took my brother and me on many road trips when we were growing up. We would go visit my Grandmother in SC at least a couple of times a year - always on Christmas. I remember that Mom would tell my Grandmother to be expecting us around a certain time (this was all before cell phones), and we'd always get a late start, and we'd always be speeding to get to Grandmommy's house close to the time we said so she wouldn't worry. Mom never got a speeding ticket during all these high-speed quests to get to Grandmommy's.

My Grandmother died when I was 14, and we, of course, got a late start to get to her funeral, and Mom finally got a speeding ticket on our way to SC. We laughed about it saying that Grandmommy must have had something to do with it, now that she was in heaven and could see how Mom had driven all those times to her house. That doesn't seem so funny now, but with the grief we were experiencing at the loss of such a special person in our lives, I guess we were looking for anything to smile about.

I remember always wanting to be the first one to the door to greet Grandmommy once we arrived at her house. She had such a loving way about her that always made me feel special. I will always cherish those times we spent at her house, especially the many Christmas mornings.

not just another jog in the park

2008-09-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went for a run at Bolling Park behind Cherokee High School (CHS). I was looking forward to the run even though I was going during the heat of the day - around 2:00. Bolling Park has a gravel trail, which I like a lot. As I was rounding the corner of my 2nd mile, about 70 Freshmen from a CHS P.E. class showed up to run two laps around the shorter track. Talk about bringing back some mortifying memories for me and the time I spent in P.E. at Towers High School. I did not like P.E. I hated dressing out. Here's a list of memories:

I got a new pair of leather Tiger Asics (which were very cool back in the 80's) and they got stolen from the locker room.
Square dancing in the gym - not fun - and the mortification of who we'd get paired up with still rings in my memory. And trying not to look like a complete dork while square dancing in a gym, which was pretty much impossible no matter how cool you were.
Fitness tests - ugh! Especially when I was not so fit back then. I twirled baton and took dance classes, but I was not so much athletic, and I was always 10-20 pounds overweight, so I was not very good at any one thing on these tests, especially running. I was always in the back of the pack.
Having to run either 1/2 mile or a mile and one of my friends, who was in worse shape than me, was going to finish last, and I was a few people in front of her, and I slowed down so she wouldn't have to finish last. That could have been a growing moment for me now that I look back at it. I didn't want to finish last, but I didn't want her to finish last alone.
Dressing out - talk about uncomfortable - 30 girls of all different shapes and sizes and all different levels of self confidence. Not a good memory.
Coming up with excuses not to dress out - that time of the month was a good one that always worked on male coaches, not so much on the female coaches. Stomach aches, twisted ankle. I don't know if I ever made an A in P.E. I could have, but I'm pretty sure I dissed dressing out enough times that it came closer to a low B or C. Duh!
Being overweight in high school was never much fun, but somehow P.E. just put a spot light on those who were not in the best shape and not very confident.

Of course now, I wish I had taken advantage of P.E. and been motivated by it instead of traumatized by it.

list from the loft

2008-08-31T05:57:00.000-07:00

we are loving life at the loft
we have these two huge windows in the main room that go almost from floor to ceiling on a 15 or more foot tall wall
Michael's parents came over yesterday to get some of the stuff they will be storing for us, and they helped us get our bed up into the loft - HUGE help!!!
It was a little tricky getting the bed up there, but it turned out being easier than we thought it would be
we slept in the loft last night for the first time, and our dog Tabor does not like the spiral stair case, so he slept downstairs by himself. I'm not sure how much he slept. At one point during the night he was wining/howling. We will try to train him to go up the stairs.
the community here at the loft apartments is very interesting and seems to be a huge mix of people. We have nick names for some of the people we see on a regular basis but haven't really met yet. Some people are more approachable than others.
This morning while Michael was leaving for Revolution and I was taking Tabor out for his morning business, we met a guy who is the lead electric guitarist for Mount Paran Church of God. He lives at the very end of our hall.
There's a single mom with two boys who live on one side of us, and two young dudes, probably around 20 years old who live on the other side of us.
The lofts are surprisingly quiet, and we really do not hear much outside noise at all when we are inside our apartment.
We saw two guys who were obviously about to fight each other Friday night while we were coming back in from taking Tabor out. They were standing right in front of the window of the apartment we almost moved into when we first started looking here. I'm so glad Michael said he wanted to check out apartments on the top floor to see what they'd be like. In front of that window is where a group of people hang out all the time.
There are a lot of people who have dogs here.
Dollar Tree, Gold's Gym, and Johnny's Pizza are right across from our apartment. Hot-z came over Friday and we went to lunch, and she drove. We had not decided where we would eat before we left, but we ended up at Johnny's Pizza, and we realized we could have walked there.
It takes about 3 minutes to get to church from here, which is where I have to get ready to go to, so I guess this list is done.

Peace out!

less is more, but will it be enough?

2008-08-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

The move is almost over. Just some miscellaneous stuff left at the ranch that we are going to get today. I am now sitting in my new loft apartment, which is so cool. The majority of the stuff we moved is sitting in boxes around me, and it still seems like a ton of stuff, even though we probably gave 1/3 of what we had away, trashed another 1/3 of it, and 1/3 of it still remains in our possession. We are giving ourselves 30 days to unpack completely, and if it doesn't end up having a place in our apartment after 30 days, we are seriously considering getting rid of it, even though we brought it here.

It was a truly freeing experience to get rid of so much stuff and to know i no longer have to deal with it. I hope that I have learned something through this that will last a lifetime - be happy with what you have already. Getting the next best greatest thing isn't going to make my life any better, and in fact, it could end up having more of a negative affect on me when I'm over it and have to find something to do with it.

These next years of my life I want to find fulfillment in doing things that God wants me to do. I know that will be enough - more than enough!

the time is now!!!

2008-08-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

Today is moving day! We are in the throws of packing, trashing, donating, and moving. We are downsizing again - this time for real! But it still feels like we have too much stuff. We have been inspired by the show on TLC called "Clean Sweep" and are making huge strides in redefining what is important to us, but I feel like once we get in our apartment, we are going to have to do it again. We have given thousands of dollars of stuff away and thrown just as much away, and I am flabbergasted by the amount of money we have spent on stuff. The little addictions and fads of things that are no longer important to me is crazy!!! It's sorda embarrassing to think about what they all were - beanie babies, cross stitching, scrap booking, rubber stamping, and it goes on. Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but I guess I have a tendency to go overboard when I get hooked on something.

Well, it's a new day and a new start and a new perspective.

Back to the moving!

Peace out!

gutsy

2008-08-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

So the thing I referenced that happened at Fuse at NewSpring Church was this. Their middle school and high school students used to meet separately; now they meet together on Wednesday nights. As you could imagine, this probably didn't go over well with the high schoolers - you know, having to meet with those goofy middle school kids. Well, at Fuse this past Wednesday, they showed a video of some of their middle school students sharing their opinions about how they are treated by the high school students, and the high school students shared their opinions about how they felt and even how they should probably step it up and be a better example of Christ to the middle school students. I thought that was a pretty gutsy video. It seemed to me that it would be eye opening to those students who are really trying to live for God. It's so easy to get caught up in your own little world and make life all about you. I'm guilty of it myself. Do I have the guts to ask God to reveal to me the ways I am doing that currently? Dangit! I hate when I have revelations like this. Now I'll have to ask.

It's been a pretty laid-back weekend so far, but tomorrow will be crazed. Taking Michael to church at 7:00 then coming back to the ranch, then going back to church at 9:50, then eating on the go, then bringing the boys back to the ranch, then heading to Woodstock to meet friends to ride together to a meeting in Acworth, then being picked up by Michael and other friends to go check out the youth ministry at West Ridge in Paulding. Funny that we lived right up the street from West Ridge when we lived in Dallas, but I have never been to anything they have ever done. So tomorrow will be my first West Ridge experience.

New Spring Visit

2008-07-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

Michael and I drove to NewSpring Church in Anderson, SC yesterday to check out their student ministry, and to meet with their Youth Pastor, Brad, and his assistant, Whitney.

I was so thinking I was going to be a mostly-silent observer as Michael talked youth ministry with Whitney and Brad, but Brad's cousin, Barry was there visiting Brad, and he and I ended up chatting while Michael was hanging with Whitney getting the ins and outs of how youth ministry happens at NewSpring. Barry was so interesting. He'd traveled doing stage set up with BonJovi for 3 tours, he'd met Eddie Van Halen, and many other big-name rockers. He was a great talker and a great listener. I had a blast just sharing life stories with him.

Then we met Leslie, who is a volunteer at NewSpring. I think I remember her from Unleashed - the volunteer on the welcome team with the bull horn (I'm pretty sure she's the same person). Anyway, she was super sweet and welcoming, and it was so fun hearing Michael share the Suches, GA story with her, because she knew who most of the staff was from Revolution, and she keeps up with them on twitter.

I love meeting good, down-to-earth people who are willing to share their life in open and honest ways with other people, even complete strangers, which we pretty much were yesterday, but 5 minutes into conversations with Barry, Leslie, Whitney and Brad, it didn't seem like we were strangers at all.

I pray that I can be transparent and down to earth and make people feel as special as I felt yesterday.

Fuse is what we experienced last night at NewSpring. There was a lot of excitement there! The students had just come off their summer trip called the Gauntlet. Brad's message was a strong encouragement to all the students and especially to those who had attended the Gauntlet (about 550ish students altogether and Fuse experienced its highest attendance last night of 440ish students) to take action regarding what they experienced with God while they were at the Gauntlet. The music was rockin'! Everything was pumpin'! It was a great experience.

I'll have to blog about the gutsy video they showed later.
More to come...

asics storm

2008-07-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

So excited!!! I got a pair of Asics running shoes today. Since I began running several months ago, I have been running in Reebok Cross Trainers, which have been great shoes, but now that I have these running shoes on, I feel like I'm walking on clouds. They are sooo cushiony. I can't wait to take a run in them. We are running in a 5K in Canton on Saturday morning. I've been working some on increasing my speed, so we'll see how that goes on Saturday. I guess I'm going to try to get a run in tomorrow and then we are going riding on some trails at Carter's Lake on Friday.

I was in a major cleaning/organizing/catching up mode today, and I did get a lot done, but there's always sooo much to do.

We began watching season one of "Lost." We are 1.5 episodes in, and I'm still not sure what I think. I'm intrigued because my friend Lindsay, who doesn't get "The Lord of the Rings" (one of my major favs) is into "Lost." A great thing it has going for it so far is that Dominic Monaghan, who was Merry in "The Lord of the Rings" is Charlie Pace on "Lost."

blogging, twitter, journaling, etc.

2008-07-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

My world is filled with jotting down my thoughts.

I do the following:
keep a personal journal
write my thoughts to God
keep an exercise/workout journal
twitter
blog, which I don't keep up with well because of all the other thought jotting I do

And on blogger, you really have to think about what you are writing, not that i have some huge following, but it's going on the world wide web from me, so it can't be un-thought out stuff. I'm not complaining about it. I just have to figure out where blogger is going to go and what purpose I want it to serve. It's so wide open as to what I could blog about, but then it's not really at the exact same time. I'm not one to get up on soap boxes, so it's not like i'm going to share my opinion in some ominous way, and I'm not one to strongly even share my opinion about things in general, although my closest friends may disagree, but I won't do that on an internet blog. And then there's the whole deal that I could share what I did in my quiet time, but I'm not really feeling that either. So here I am going on and on about nothing really. Is that it - I have nothing to say to who knows who could be reading this, other than maybe two other people.

But there's something about it and something to it. Like my two followers could smile when they read this or maybe even someone else might happen upon this blog and be able to relate or at least be amused. I'm trying to think of why I look at other people's blogs. To see something they don't reveal to me or to learn something about someone, even someone I don't really know. To experience how other people live life.

Well, I don't know the answer, but for now I'll keep trudging along with all my thought jotting.

My church, Revolution, is doing a series coming up called, "Alive." The premise is that if you knew you had 30 days left to live, what would you do differently, and why aren't you living that way already. Good question, and one maybe I'll expound on in my blog.
:)

Toodles!

tomorrow is race day!!!

2008-07-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

JULY 4th - Getting up at 5:30 to give my coffee and breakfast time to settle in before leaving at 6:30 for a 7:30 start to the Woodstock Freedom Run. Then in the afternoon we are going to see "Get Smart" with the Hotze's. Then it's grillin' and fireworks at the ranch to end the day. I'm hoping Ginger will actually make it through the night without waking up for a potty run around midnight, which has become her dealio the past few nights, even though we let her out right before we go to bed, and even though she can get up in the morning, eat, and sleep for hours without needing to go out except right after she eats. She may be 12 years old, blind and deaf, but she sure hasn't forgotten how to get our attention with the non-stop barking until she gets let out. She's still my sweet girl though. :)

running fun

2008-07-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

So I guess I'm into running now, and I'm enjoying it. I ran my first 5K at the end of May, and I'm running my second one on Friday in Woodstock. I'm working on improving my stamina and pace. I ran four 1/4 distances with 2 minute rests in between yesterday, which is the beginning of a 5-week program to a faster 5K that I read about in a running magazine.

Michael marked off 1/4 mile for me using his GPS on a road near our house (it's 30 minutes to the nearest track), and the distance is in between two fields of cows, one on each side of the road, and they both have at least 50+ cows in them, which makes for entertainment and a fun smell as I'm running along. I'm not fast at all. I've never been a fast runner, but I have had a previous stint of running in the early 90's when I was running 3 miles at a time, but I didn't do it for very long. We rode our bikes a little over 1/2 mile to the straight away, and after I was done, we took the long way home and road about 2 more miles. Michael just road along and did stuff on his bike while I was running. It was fun!

We are thinking of participating in a mini triathlon, but swimming is definitely a bigger area of weakness for me. I'll keep you posted.

dinner with friends

2008-06-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

We went mountain biking again at Blanket's Creek yesterday with the Alvarez family. We had a blast. Then we went to dinner at a really good Mexican restaurant, and had the best mushroom quesadilla I've ever had. Tonight we went to dinner at Ippilitos with the Harpers, and it was great to see them and get to hang with them for a bit.

Tomorrow is church, which I am so pumped about, then hopefully we will be getting hair cuts, and then the Uprising pool party! Wooohoooo!

mountain biking mania

2008-06-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

Went mountain biking at Blanket's Creek today. I've been on one other real mountain bike trail, and that was Tsali in North Carolina, and that's a whole 'nother story that involves me crying while mountain biking and Michael telling me, "There's no crying in mountain biking." Anyway, today I did not cry. Today was AWESOME!!! We rode the beginner trail first, and then we rode on the intermediate one. It was soooo cool! I rode my behind off. I was so spent by the time we got done; it was incredible! Michael took a little tumble and has a nice trail rash on his leg, that to guys is a sign of honor. I guess it would be or will be to me when it happens to me, but I'm not looking forward to falling on the trail. I came close several times today but was able to stay up, but the more comfortable I get with the trail, the more likely it will be to happen.

I'm so frustrated with myself for waiting so long to attempt to get in really good shape. I wonder at the things I could have done over the last 10-12 years that I haven't done or shied away from due to my weight. Oh well. I'll make up for lost time. It's been an awesome journey so far.

I was reading today about self restraint and what I was reading was talking about praying for self restraint. I'd never really thought of doing that specifically. I know I pray for self restraint for my mouth, like when I pray that God would not allow offensive things to come out of it, but there's so many areas where I probably need to show self restraint. Obviously with my diet it will continue to be helpful to show self restraint, especially once I hit my goal weight. I don't want to go back to all my bad habits, and it's so easy to do so. I'm praying for God to reveal to me other areas I need to show self restraint. It was a cool revelation, and I can't wait to see how God uses it.

So I have asked my Mom if she wants to go on a road trip this fall to Washington D.C., which is where she met my Dad, where my brother and I were born, and where they lived for several years of their life. I'd like to give her the opportunity to show me places in D.C. that are significant to her and/or her and my Dad. My Aunt Linda may come down and join us, and I hope she gets to. I'm looking forward to this trip and this time with my Mom.

Well, I've got some episodes of the first season of The Office to watch. I can't believe the lame level Michael and I have fallen into because we haven't been watching this show until just recently.

Toodles!

Rock on with the new rock!

2008-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'm going to see JOURNEY in concert at Chastain. Like we have tickets!!! I'm so excited!!! Cheap Trick and Heart will be there too.

back from the beach

2008-06-20T10:00:00.001-07:00

Had another great week in the sun on the beach. We road our bikes on the beach, and I never done that before. Very cool!!! We road down to an undeveloped part of the beach, and the tide wasn't low enough for us to ride through or even walk our bikes through, so we put our bikes up on our shoulders and walked through waist-deep water to get to the other side. I felt soooo "outdoor"ish. I did have a flat tire that shortened one of our trips, but that was okay. It was still awesome!!!

So I am officially 40! It's not so bad. I feel younger physically than I have in over 10 years, so that's a good thing! Michael gave me Journey's new CD, Revelation, which is actually quite amazing! I'm so excited that they sound so good, even improved, if that was possible, and with the absence of Steve Perry, which they didn't seem to be able to recover from at first, they sound great! They are actually going to be in concert at Chastain in August, so that is the second part of my birthday gift, getting to see them in concert. I'm psyched! I never saw Journey in concert, and they have been one of the bands I've wanted to see that I didn't think I'd ever have the chance to. The Eagles was the other band I never thought I'd get to see in concert, but since hell froze over, I got to see them in 1994. That was way exciting. I'm totally disappointed with their new cd though. I'll just stick to listening to their old stuff, but it sounds kinda like Journey might be re-evolving. I hope there's more good stuff to come.

Make love a meaningful reality!!!

2008-06-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

Back from the beach where we had a blast soaking up the sunshine!!! Michael and I are headed back to SC to Kiawah Island this week for a vacation for more fun in the sun. We are taking our bikes and hopefully gonna get some good work outs while we are there.

I have this sticker in my journal that says, "Live like you mean it!" I was writing on the page that it was on, and it lead me to these thoughts.

How can I live like I mean it?
Love more!
Love stronger!!
Love like I mean it!!!

Meaning.....Meaningful.....Make it real.....Realize.....

Make it a meaningful reality!!!
Make love a meaningful reality!!!

That's how I'm gonna try to live like I mean it!!!!

same thing, different trip

2008-06-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Why does packing for a trip always sneak up on me? No matter how much I think about it in advance, I can't seem to actually begin packing until the day I need to have the car packed. It gets old, but I can't seem to begin sooner. We are going on pretty much back-to-back trips this month, and I know it will be crazy insane transitioning between the two. We are headed to Myrtle Beach on a ranch-wide trip, and then we will be home for 3 days before we leave to hang out with Allen & Andrea and our nephews at Kiawah Island, and I know those 3 days will fly by and then I'll be packing again rushing to get done. Ahhhhhh!!! The insanity!!!

it's been since January?

2008-06-02T07:58:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's been that long since I've blogged. Maybe I'll be more regular. Who knows.

So I'm sitting here drinking a green tea and getting ready to write some reports for work (not one of my favorite things to do - maybe that's why I've found myself here blogging - avoidance tactic).

I found this quote recently, and it's a good description of where I am finding myself on the verge of turning 40 years old.

The thing that is really hard,
and really amazing
is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of
becoming yourself.

Anna Quindlen

I am awakening to the idea of really finding out and becoming who it is the God has created me to be, not the person I think I should be or the Christian I think I should be. Should be an interesting part of my journey. I can't wait to find out.

my so-called life

2008-01-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

We took our dog, Ginger, to get her blood sugar level checked last week- actually, it's her fructosamine level which indicates how well her diabetes is under control or not under control. A good fructosamine level is between 280 - 340. Since we've moved to Canton in April, Ginger's fructosamine level has been above 450. The results of her last test were 700ish. It should be going down, not up. Every time we've had her tested, the Vet has increased the amount of insulin we give her, and every time we've increased it, her fructosamine level has gone up instead of down. We have to take her to the vet tomorrow for a full-day exam. I'm hoping we can get this under control. She still takes walks with us and trots around. She crosses her legs when she lies down. She sleeps way more than she used to these days. Her sniffer still works even though her eyes don't. She can find food or something that's had food on it or ever even thought of being food in a split second. Yesterday, she walked out of our living room with the lid to the trash can stuck around her neck where she'd stuck her head through it to find out what was in the trash can. She's a good old girl.

We went to the YMCA tonight, and it was packed. I opted to just do cardio instead of it taking forever to go through my weights. I rarely have to wait to use a weight machine, but I guess the New Years resolutionists came out in force tonight. I'm so thankful that we started our road to better health in August instead of waiting until the new year to get motivated.

I finished watching the last episode of "My So Called Life" (MSCL) while I was on the elliptical machine. The Y has a tv and dvd player at every cardio machine. I've been watching MSCL since we started working out as I do cardio. That show is my all-time favorite tv show. It only lasted one season, which is typical of any show I really enjoy (other than Survivor, Amazing Race, and 24). "Freaks and Geeks" was another of my one-season favorites. It was about being in high school in the 80's, which was sooo me.

Memories of being a teenager in the 80's:

wearing pink leg warmers to school over my jeans, even though it wasn't cold outside
Michael Jackson was cool
Prince was not over-the-top weird and was still considered cool (or at least I liked him)
Loverboy and the red leather pants one of the members of the band wore, along with a headband if I remember correctly
headbands were cool
having to wait until I was 12 to get my ears pierced for the first time
Members Only jackets (I had a fake one)
only rich people had computers in their homes
Pong and Atari
Frogger, Centipede, Pacman, Galaga (my personal favorite)
Rubix Cube
skateboards were for riding around on and getting from one friend's house to another on your street, not for tricks and riding down railings
Yard of the Month awards in our neighborhood
no stadium seating in movie theaters, it costs $4 to go to a movie, there were still $1 theaters in every town
Drive-In theaters
cussing was hardly ever heard on tv, and the bleep you here now, sometimes every 3 seconds on some shows, was rarely heard at all
after midnight, there would be nothing on tv except the national anthem and an American flag
I would rather die than miss going to the skating rink on Friday nights, and getting asked to "couples" skate was a huge highlight
wearing a comb at all times in your back pocket. I had one that said, "If you can read this, you're too close" and that's no joke

So there's the evidence that I wasn't all that cool in the 80's, even though I sure thought I was, at times anyway. I wish I would have spent way more time trying to impress God than I did my peers. God sure must have laughed at me and thought I was really silly sometimes. I'm so glad he still loves me anyway.

lists

2008-01-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have friends who blog using lists of random thoughts, so I thought I'd give it a try. Here goes:

today has been a crazy day
we went to the movies and saw "Enchanted". It was a cute, fun movie.
we also had an amazing service at church today. i love our church!!! it was packed! we had to sit three rows from the back, which was actually pretty good, but the music was not as loud as down front where we usually sit, and I like it loud! our pastor, Gary Lamb, is doing a series called, "Confessions of a Pastor." one of the things i admire about Gary is that he is real - just-like-you-and-me real, well maybe not JUST LIKE but he has struggles and issues and is a growing Christ follower and isn't afraid to admit that he's not perfect. what you see on Sundays is what you get every other day of the week. i think that's pretty cool!
i love that i have a husband who will go see movies like "Enchanted" with me. we would have seen something else, but the timing of that movie worked out best with what our boys wanted to see, "I Am Legend."
we had our first er visit for one of our boys this week. we were in the er in Jasper from 10ish to midnightish, and then we had to drive to Canton to the 24 hours Walgreen's to get a prescription for pain meds. he's going to be okay. :)
two of our boys said two of the ranch dogs treed a bobcat while they were out hiking - CRAZY!
we didn't go to the YMCA the entire week between Christmas and New Years, and my body felt it sooo much when we went back. i hate missing working outs like that. we did a few cardio things during that time, but it didn't help fight a few gained pounds from Christmas or the pain my body felt after the first couple of work outs after the 1st.
oh my gosh, Michael got a book for Christmas, "Blind Courage" by Bill Irwin. Bill Irwin hiked the entire Appalachian Trail, and Bill Irwin is blind. he hiked it with his seeing-eye dog, Orient. Check him out on youtube. it's an amazing story of courage and faith.
i've wanted to hike on the Appalachian Trail for a while now - like really hike it - i'm talking backpacks and spending the night a few nights. after reading this story, i'm even more encouraged to do so.
Michael and i got lots of books for Christmas. another book i got was "Into the Wild". It sounds like an interesting story. They've made a movie of it, which we could have seen today, but i don't like seeing a movie before i read the book.
well, must go to watch "Amazing Race"
we took our dog to get our blood sugar level checked yesterday. she's diabetic and blind, and she gets around great for being 12 years old
can't wait to see how this week unfolds

lists

2007-12-07T07:23:00.001-08:00

things i am missing:
1. remote for dvd player that we have not had since we moved 8 months ago
2. a real family connection with my side of the family
3. connectivity time with my circle of friends i used to meet with regularly pre-ranch
4. old friends from hope
5. all that i held dear prior to our move

things i am enjoying:
1. church and being a part of a revolution that's all about LOVE
2. learning more about myself through parenting and all that living at this ranch means
3. sharing life with the 3 boys and the man who live in this house
4. Christmas time
5. the beauty that surrounds us out here
6. working out
7. my friends who love me just the way i am

things i need to work on:
1. connections
2. finding the dvd remote
3. being selfless
4. revolutionary love
5. quenching my thirst with purity-spiritually and physically

saying "i love you"

2007-11-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

When was it that love became sooooo complicated? Was it as soon as Eve bit into the apple? Has it become more complicated over time, or has it always been complicated? What makes it so hard for some people to say "i love you." I guess it's because Godly love has not been expressed to them on a regular basis. I know God's love can break through. I know God's love is what gives us patience to break through. I pray God gives me the endurance to never give up, even on the hardest ones to break through. I pray that I will never misuse love, that it will always be in the purest form with the purest intent.

with love,
me

todd agnew

2007-10-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am so into todd a gnew's cd, "better questions." Here's my favorites so far in order
"if you wanted me"
"on a corner in memphis"
"martyr's song"
"glorious day"

i was going to just print some lyrics from "if you wanted me" that really stuck out to me, but all of them do, so here's the whole song:

I'll admit I'm glad we're not disciples
Out on a lake paralyzed with fright
'Cause I'm afraid I might have laughed at Peter
Until he stepped into that stormy night

If You wanted me to walk on water
Why'd You make this solid ground seem so right?

I'll admit I'm glad I'm not King David
Ruling over everything I see
'Cause I think I've fallen for more than Bathsheba
Your creation's a temptation for me

If You wanted me to love You only
Why'd you make the moonlight sparkle in her eyes?

I'll admit I'm glad I'm not John the Baptist
In a jail cell waiting for my day to die
'Cause at least down here
I know what we're chasing
And it's hard to trust
Your dreams are so much better than mine

If You wanted me to die to myself
Why'd You make me fall so deeply in love with life?

If You wanted me to surrender
Why'd You make these hands able to hold on so tight?

If You wanted me to be like You
Why'd You make me like me?

the imagery and truth to these lyrics amaze me and touch my soul. they remind me that God didn't have to create me, that He made me the way He did for a reason, and even though i will always experience temptations and challenges He wants me to keep striving to be like Him, even though He knows I'll never attain that, He wants me to have a heart like His, and in trying to become more like Him - every attempt draws me closer to Him - maybe even more so through my failures than my successes.

dogs

2007-10-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

i sooo wonder what dogs are saying when they bark in response to each other. the ranch dog, comet, is on our front porch barking at only God knows what, and my blind dog, ginger, and my crazy dog, tabor, are set off by his barking, and they are barking, and i wonder what it's all about. is comet warning them of something he hears from his lookout? is he just saying, "you lucky dawgs, get to go inside and sleep in a warm big house" or "hey! you left me out here! i'm still out here! are you ever gonna let me come in there?"

we got hooked on "the dog whisperer" when we were in daytona this summer, and let me tell you, ceasar has changed my life - and tabor's. it's really a cool show, and it shows how screwed up dog owners can be. i was one of them. i totally misinterpreted a few of tabor's behaviors, but after 10 years of having this dog around, i think we've got him figured out, thanks to ceasar.

date night

2007-10-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

Michael and I finally have our date night back after moving to the ranch. Before we moved out to Waleska, our date nights were different. After we got married, because it was just the two of us, date nights always ended with us at home by ourselves and it was kinda like the date would just continue on until we decided to go to bed. Well now, since three 18-year olds live with us, when we get home, we're not alone, so now it's kinda like the date ends when we get home. The cool part about it is that it feels like what it used to feel like thirteen years ago when we were really dating. Back then, we lived an hour away from each other, and we would look for ways to make our dates last as long as possible. We looked for anything to do that would prolong someone from having to go home. That's kinda what these date nights are like. We'll look for any way to spend alone time together and keep the sacredness of our "date". It's so awesome that God blessed me with a man that after 12 years of marriage, I cannot get enough alone time with him. I am so excited that when I attend a wedding (which we did today) that I can sit through that ceremony and still be grateful for the man who took my hand in marriage 12 years ago.

I pray that I can still live up to the vow I made when we exchanged rings - "With all that I have and all that I am, I honor you."

I gotta stop so I can go watch some football and see what's happening between Auburn and LSU. :)

Metamorphosis

2007-10-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book that I stumbled upon at a cool little bookstore in Woodstock called Foxtale Book Shoppe. It's a great little shop. The book I came across is Couldn't Keep It to Myself: Wally Lamb and the Women of York Correctional Institution (Testimonies from our Imprisoned Sisters) (Gary's brother? :) ). It's a pretty amazing book of stories from women in prison who have been involved in a writing workshop that Wally Lamb leads on a weekly basis. Wally Lamb wrote two books that I have not read before, mostly because they were on Oprah's Book Club list, (the reason I don't like to read books on Oprah's book club list is material for a different blog post). I might read them now though. They are now on my wish list (that's a shameless plug right there, btw). Anyway. These ladies fine themselves through writing. I just love that!!!

I took this amazing writing course a couple of years ago in college, and it changed a part of my life. It opened up a place in my heart that I rarely ventured to. I actually walked away from class on the last day and had to fight back tears. I learned so much about myself through the course, through writing - writing about my life. And it was as if I had been in some type of prison - mentally and emotionally, and through writing I was set free. We were constantly encouraged to "write from the heart" and that I would write stuff that is "flammable" - meaning that it would be stuff that people might think should be banned from libraries and there would be book burnings over the stuff I wrote.

The ladies writing in Wally Lamb's book are definitely writing from the heart and their writing is flammable. The stories I've read so far have very little to do with the crimes they committed that have led them down a path that leads to prison, but about "crimes" committed against them as children or things that have happened to them that definitely had something to do with the road they ended up on. But through their writing, they are experiencing healing and freedom even though their words are written from inside a prison. Their hearts are metamorphosed through writing.

Here's one of the first things I wrote in my writing class. The assignment was to come up with a visual Life Logo and then write about it. The logo was a picture of a caterpillar, a cocoon, and a butterfly, kinda combined all in one.

I love to see a butterfly floating, lifting, soaring through the sky. To think that once a butterfly was some type of caterpillar crawling along and at some appointed time, only heaven knows how it knows when, the caterpillar finds a branch or even the coziness of the inside of the wing of a garden angel statue and covers itself in a bed of silk and enters the chrysalis stage, and through an amazing metamorphosis completely changes into a beautiful winged creature that fights its way out of the bed it’s made for itself and rises to new heights and spreads its beauty as it glides along its way bringing joy wherever it goes.

My life has been a metamorphosis.

My father’s death when I was five years old left me feeling so alone and afraid. I grew up crawling around with ever-so-low self esteem brought on from the years of longing for my father’s love and touch. Oh how I would long for just one more hug, one more chance. I was a caterpillar just wandering from place to place, eventually making a bed for myself that consisted of heart break and falsehoods, and I never really knew who I, Linda Lenore Love, was. I was smothered in the silks I allowed my friends and family to cover me in, smothered, suffocating from trying to be the person I thought they all wanted me to be.

I had made my bed, and I was about to die in it, but somewhere deep inside me, there was a mustard seed of hope, and by the grace of God at age 24, I fought my way out of that chrysalis and found a beauty and worth in myself that had been in me all along fighting to be freed.

I still long for my Daddy’s love and touch, but that longing is no longer a factor in defining who I am and the heights I can soar to with my beautiful wings.

My hope now is that I can spread some joy; help others find the worth in themselves that is already there waiting in the chrysalis stage, longing to be released so they can spread their beautiful wings and soar to new heights.

fear creates change

2007-10-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have a fear - it's a fear of not being all God created me to be. But I don't really treat this fear like a real fear. It's somewhere in the background of my life, and it's this thing I sometimes choose to ignore. If I don't think about it, it will just go away, right? If I don't focus on it, I'll feel better, right? Not so much. I just walk around pretending that I'm not afraid of this major thing. But holy cow, what am I doing to myself? Somehow I need to fight the urge to cover this fear and actually face it. But it's hard to face something I cannot see. I am burdened by it though. I'm burdened with the complacency I feel when I choose to overlook this huge fear.

Michael and I are in the perfect place to get in better physical shape, financial shape, spiritual shape and be more usable for Him. We are going to a church we love, Revolution, and this church is making it harder for me to ignore my fear, and I am soooo thankful to God for that.

We have this awesome opportunity to work out at the YMCA in Canton, and it's been awesome. We work out on weights every other day, and we do cardio stuff on the days in between. I have felt a heck of a lot better and had more energy. I'm starting to lose some pounds. I started doing this Cycling class two times a week, and it kicks my butt, but in a good way.

We have been working towards becoming debt free, but we had kinda slacked off some, so the current message series at our church is helping us get back on track with that. We feel like we are in a better place to become debt free than we've ever been, but we've got to make it long term this time.

And then we have more time than we've ever had before to spend time with God and in ways that have never been more available to us. Where we live lends itself to lots of cool ways to spend time with God. And we are looking for ways of getting plugged in as volunteers at our church, which also offers us opportunities to grow.

So here's the deal, I don't want to screw all this up by being focused on me and not God. It's so easy to get focussed on me.

I'll end with this thing from my notes in church today.

Being poor doesn't make you super spiritual.
Being rich doesn't make you less spiritual.
Money is just a tool, don't let it be your master.

Pain = Life

2007-10-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

Holy cow, I cannot believe it's been since July that I've blogged. I've so wanted to so many times, but since our lives changed and we've been at the ranch, I've been so focussed on what goes on here and learning about life with more than just Michael and me in our immediate family, that I couldn't come up with much to blog on. I kinda lost myself in the craziness of this new life. Not that I haven't had plenty to blog about, but I've been so focussed on life here, that every time I felt the desire to write something here, I couldn't come up with anything that didn't involve the boys. I just couldn't write without it being personalized about them. I couldn't figure out how to write about them using generalities; it's way too personalized to do that. But now (I hope) that I've found myself again and have way more to blog about.

For instance, pain. The last two days have involved physical pain for Michael. Yesterday, our dog's (Tabor) foot got caught in an animal trap, and while Michael was trying to free him from the trap, Tabor, in his panic of trying to free himself from the trap, was gnawing at Michael's hands. Once Tabor was free, we realized that he was okay, but there was blood everywhere from where Tabor had bit Michael several times. Tabor essentially was not hurt, and the blood that was on Tabor was Michael's blood, not his.

Then today, Michael was helping take apart a stage and one of the pieces of the stage fell on his back and leg, and we spent some time in the ER getting his leg stitched up. His back didn't need stitches, but that is where the piece of the stage hit him first, and that hurts worse than where he got stitches.

I know where I'm wanting to go with this, but I'm not sure how to get there...

So, if you're alive, you must experience pain. I mean isn't that the deal, once you're dead, um, no more pain? It's way more than just physical pain, it's emotional pain too. That goes away once you're dead too. But sometimes I go through times in my life that seem to be pretty pain free. So does that mean I'm not really living? Does it possibly mean that I'm not growing, or that I'm not living to the extent that God created me to live? God is ALIVE! Does He experience pain? Does God's heart hurt when I don't live out the life he created me to live?

But someone might argue that if God wants us to live life and live it to the fullest, why would He want us to experience pain? The simple answer for me is that living life to the fullest doesn't mean we are exempt from pain. I think to live life to the fullest, we must experience pain, heartbreak, loss, misunderstandings, and failures. It's getting through the pain that gets us closer, that helps us grow, that builds us up, that prepares us for the next steps of the journey.

But we pray so hard to be exempted from the pain, as opposed to God seeing us through the pain. I pray that I will not fear the pain, but that when it comes, that I will not be exempt from God holding me close in His arms and seeing me through it.

new life

2007-07-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

We are loving it out here at the ranch, and we are loving what God has called us to do here. Just this morning as one of our boys was walking out the door to go to work, tears sprang into my eyes out of love for him and my gratefulness to God for placing these boys in our lives. I'm not insinuating it's not tough, because these boys have a life-time of their own issues, but it's been amazing how God works through that, through us, through them.

let's go fly a kite

2007-05-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

flying a kite is interesting business. it seems so fun and exciting and cool if you have a really cool kite, which we do. i'm guessing hot-z cleaned out the trunk of her car and found an eagle kite that we had at our old home that must have got left in her trunk when she helped us move. she dropped it off today, and the next thing we knew, one of our boys (k) was looking at it and trying to put it together. it has been a windy day but not overly windy. we finally, after a long time of trying, got the kite up in the air. i think that's the most exciting part is when it finally gets on the right gust of wind and takes flight. i don't think we have ever flown a kite where we thought we had long enough string, regardless of how long it was.

michael was told by k after the experience that every boy should have a dad who does that with him. i'm sure michael knows how to fly a kite because his father showed him. i remember flying a kite with my mom before i was 5 years old. k had never flown one before. i'm glad he got to today.

back to blogger

2007-05-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

my world has been one big whirlwind since the last time i blogged. of course i'm thinking anyone who was possibly reading this blog has given up on it, but as the writer of this blog, i have missed it tremendously. at first stuff was going on that i couldn't blog about but it was the only thing on my mind, so i couldn't come up with anything that wasn't related to this huge directional shift that God has moved us towards. i think finally our feet have landed safely on the new path, but it's been a crazy ride to get here - so many emotions and feelings and new things. i'm so excited about this new journey in our great adventure.

the art of losing myself

2007-03-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm learning to play the guitar. I was given a wonderful gift from my father-in-law for Christmas at least 6 or 7 years ago. It was a Yamaha guitar that he had bought years before, and he gave his guitar to me when I showed interest in wanting to learn to play. I picked it up for a bit and even took a few lessons, Tiffany showed me how to play, "Light the Fire", but learning how to play the guitar is hard for me. I am usually pressed for time in my life, and when playing the guitar didn't come naturally, I found it hard to make time for learning to play.

But recently, my dear friend, Hot-z, has taken the time to sit with me on several occasions and teach me and afford me an extreme amount of patience, and I can actually play some stuff on the guitar. I've been amazed at my ability to learn and see improvement. Every time I play with Hot-z, I get better. It's still hard, and I still struggle, but with Hot-z's patience, help and encouragement, I am getting better.

I've wanted to learn to play guitar so I could be my own worship leader, so that I wouldn't be dependant on anyone else or cd's or whatever - to just be able to spontaneously worship God whenever I want to. It's so easy for me to connect and commune with God through song, but I know God is wanting me to connect and commune with Him when it's not so easy, when it's not so natural, when it's inconvenient, when it doesn't make sense, when it feels like my world is crashing in on me. I'm so into this song right now, "From the Inside Out", which I cannot play, btw, it's too hard for me at this point. Here's the words.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

My soul is crying out to bring God praise, and I can lose myself in a worship service, but I want to lose myself away from the church building. I want myself to be out of the way, so I can lose myself in God's will, in God's passion, in God's recklessness. So many things in my life seem and feel conditional and even like a controlled response, and my soul is crying out to get out of this shell of what's expected and take some chances, stumble a bit and let God catch me in His grace.

2007-03-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

When all is lost

all is left to gain.

Fusion rocked the house last night!!!

2007-03-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

Last night, Fusion was amazing! The band was so amazing and led everyone in some amazing worship. Sam had to la la, which always makes me smile. Everything just felt right last night once Fusion got started. Michael shared a message about sticking with God through hard times and shared some really encouraging stuff about how to do that. One of my fav quotes from the night was, "If you are worried about something, pray about it. If you've prayed about it, stop worrying about it." It's so simple to say that but sometimes so hard to do.

I have friends who are worriers, and I have come to the realization that I'm an avoider. I adhere way more to the quote than I do to hanging on to worries. Not that I go through life worry-free, but I do turn stuff over to God and trust in Him to work His will, and I'm pretty much okay with whatever His will is. But I also have this thing inside me that can almost instantly detach from something that is going to make me cry, and somehow I can avoid dealing with the a painful emotion. I'm not saying this is a good thing. It's just how I work. It's a subconscious thing too, like I don't really even realize it's happening until the feeling to cry is gone almost in an instant. It's really weird how it works. Like I cry my eyes out at movies, but I guess it's when I'm faced with real-life situations that this avoidance thing kicks in. I'm not afraid to cry at all and have actually cried more recently than I have in a long time, and I am grateful that I am allowing myself to live in the moment and not avoid painful stuff again, because I had a guard up for a while there, but God has broken down this guard, and for that I am thankful. But here's what happens, like if I am facing a sad situation, I will avoid letting myself get too emotional about it until I am face to face with the sad situation, and then once I'm face to face with it, I totally break down - heavy and hard.

So I'm really into Mat Kearney right now. I am totally digging his cd, and especially the song, "All I Need."

Oh, and I got to text with Tanya in Africa today. I have never texted with anyone in a different country, much less on a different continent (thank you g-mail!). That was way cool! She's doing well. She had been sick but is feeling better. It brings me much joy to read about her experiences. She talked about how when they worship, they sing at the top of their lungs and they dance. Oh how I would love this freedom to worship in this way with a group of people!!! I want to dance for God and sing at the top of my lungs, and I do sing loud and I do move around, but when I'm in a group of people, it's always held back. Now I will let it all out in my living room and dance and sing, but I wish there wasn't this weird feeling when I'm in a worship service. I wish I didn't care so much about what someone would think, and I wish that everyone else was doing it, so if I did it, it wouldn't be so distracting to others. The worship conundrum for me i guess.

4-square fun!!!

2007-02-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I got to play 4-square using 9-square rules. We played in my driveway. 4 adults playing 4-square in the front yard - sooooo much fun!!! I haven't played 4 -square in so long, and it was a blast. Adults should play 4-square or 9-square way more often. Why do we get so serious as adults? Why do we quit doing these fun things? I know people do fun stuff all the time, but for me it all seems to be so planned out. This was just a spontaneous game of 4-square, and I had a blast!

My mom, who is in her late 60's started shooting hoops again with some neighborhood kids. She used to be great at sports, and I'm so glad to hear that she is playing Horse and 21, and even though she says she comes in last most of the time, I know it's doing her some good to get out there and just do something fun.

I'm so thinking 4-square or 9-square needs to become a part of the small groups I am involved in, whether it's the 6th grade Fusion Freaks, my accountability group, or our community group. Could it be that 4-square is a community builder? I think it could be.

Hope to see you in the squares!

2007-02-22T06:04:00.000-08:00

I scribed from Matthew this morning about Jesus calling Simon (Peter), Andrew, James and John to be His disciples. I so want to know more about this. I would love to be able to see this scene go down in real life and get the feelings, thoughts, words, actions of these first 4 men Jesus called to be His homeys. I know it says they left "at once" and "immediately", but there's got to be more to it. Could it be that simple to give up everything and follow? And what was their "everything", family, a home, a boat? What did it really mean to give up everything during the time they were on this earth? Did they know Jesus? Had they heard about Him? What were their lives like up to this point? Were these men unhappy with their current circumstances? Were they desperate? Had they been baptized by John? Were they present when John baptized Jesus? God knew who the 12 would be, so I don't see it all as a big mystery, but I would love to have a little more insight into the lives of these men.

a page is turned

2007-02-21T05:52:00.000-08:00

Today a friend of mine leaves for Tanzania. She's giving up her life here in America to be the hands and feet and heart of Jesus in Tanzania where people are dying and children are starving. This life change is something she's dreamed of, worked towards, and God has beautifully brought it all together as her heart has heard His call and she has so willingly answered. Another chapter in her life begins today. I can't wait to hear and see what this chapter of her life looks like.

Bright Morning Star, I humbly and earnestly seek Your guidance and grace regarding the chapters of my life. May my storyline be more in line with the story You have written for me. Seeking and hoping!!!

the Open Door

2007-02-08T12:56:00.000-08:00

A man met us at the front door. A man who was once homeless and a crack addict, who had the most welcoming eyes and tenderness about him, in spite of years of harshness he faced on the streets. He showed us to the kitchen and dining room where we would be serving the food we had prepared, and we met a younger man, just out of college, checking things out in this community we were visiting. He was there by choice. What choices led to him making the decision to graduate from college and go straight to living at a Soup Kitchen called the Open Door in downtown Atlanta, I have no idea, but I have a huge feeling it had something to do with God. When we go back, maybe I’ll find the specific answer to his riddle.

We met many lovely people at the Open Door, about 20 or so people who live in this big old house downtown, people who serve those who are labeled “less fortunate”, the homeless, addicts, and/or “needy” people of Atlanta. It’s so hard to define these people who I am beginning to see through God’s eyes. There are so many Atlantans who are needy and have homes, much less those who are needy who do not have homes or family to take care of them, that I hesitate to add that label, but they are people in need.

I am a needy person. One of my needs was met as my friends and I spent the evening at the Open Door - my need to step outside of myself and do something nice for someone else. We went to the Open Door to feed the servants who give up so much of themselves to serve homeless/less fortunate people every day. It is their life to live in this house in community with 20 other people and take care of the needs of others. It is such a beautiful place. I kept thinking, “I feel so at home here.” We were welcomed into the family with no hesitation and no judgment.

We were shown around the big house, and shown how everything works. It was all so organized and not like what I had imagined at all. The Open Door offers an opportunity for those who are usually not treated with dignity a chance to feel dignified. It’s a place to get a meal and eat in a nice dining area, take a shower, get a change of clothes, a new pair of shoes, and even something as small as using a bathroom, which is a huge problem for street people, because Atlanta has done away with public bathrooms and it is against the law to use the bathroom in public, so what is a homeless person to do?

Good grief! I have so much I want to share and can’t organize all my thoughts into one blog posting, so I guess more will have to come later. The one thing I do want to say is that it was an honor to go to the Open Door with the beautiful friends God has blessed me with. Each has their own special gifts and one of those is sharing the love of Christ with me and others.

The Simple Life

2007-01-29T12:40:00.001-08:00

Why does it seem so hard to live the simple way? It must be my skewed perception that makes it hard for me to see how simple it is. Please don’t confuse simple with easy, although it sounds like the two should go hand in hand. Is it easy for anyone to live simply, especially when you have to make the choice to do so? It’s got to be more than just making a choice to do without. There are plenty of people who are forced to do without and their lives are far from what I would call simple.

There’s plenty I could do without. But what does it really mean to live simply? Isn’t that what people have been doing for hundreds of years. We’ve been striving to make things more efficient in order that life becomes less complicated, less hectic, but everything just seems to get more and more hectic the more efficient everything becomes.

I’m striving to learn and understand how God wants me to live simply. Is it a matter of simply living for Him? I feel like I don’t have any answers, but way deep down inside there’s something inside trying to get out. I can feel it. It’s like I know what to do, I just don’t know how to do it, or I just can’t see the answer clearly. I’m not sure if I need to take one huge leap of faith or a thousand baby steps of faith.

Whichever way You want it to be Bright Morning Star, I will humbly do. Please give me clarity to see what it is You want me to do or not do. Help me to become who You’ve created me to be. I am here. I am available. I am open.

2007-01-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

Most of what we do in worldly life is geared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in baptism, in lakes and rain and tanks and fonts, you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's also holy, and absurd. It's about surrender, giving in to all those things we can't control; it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched.
- Anne Lamott from "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"

I read this the day after I shared with my friends that I thought I needed balance, but I wasn’t sure that’s what God wanted for me. It came in a daily e-mail I get from Sojourners.

I just don’t believe God wants us to be balanced, because that would mean that the part of me that is affected by the world and the part of me that is affected by God are the same, and wouldn’t that somehow cancel both of them out? I have prayed for balance sooo many times in my life. I wonder if when I pray this, God wants to take me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me.

But isn’t that what we are in search of, some balance where everything fits into its little place all nice and cozy, so we are all comfortable and everything is right with the world? What about right with God? I’ve believed that this balance would bring me happiness. But now I’m not so sure of that. In fact I’m not sure of it at all.

I think God is waiting on me to do something absurd. Something the world wouldn’t be expecting me to do – to give in to the things I can’t control. But this would put me so far out of balance! Well, it would put me out of the balance I’ve been searching for, but then maybe I’d have to depend on God a whole lot more for balance instead of depending on me or my circumstances for balance.

I’ve never thought I was a very controlling person. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my moments, but really what it looks like to me is I’ve been trying to control an uncontrollable God. Oh, believe me, it’s a weak attempt to control God, but I think I have been attempting to nonetheless.

So as the beginning of the chorus of the song that was sung at Fusion last night echoes through my mind, “So you want to change the world? What are you waiting for?” I ask myself, what am I waiting for?

Bright Morning Star, Uncontrollable Power and Passion, help me to let go of my idea of balance and find my balance in You, not the things of this world. Let me find comfort in being uncomfortable and unbalanced, knowing that You have me in the palm of Your hand.

something is happening

2007-01-18T16:06:00.000-08:00

Something is going on; I just don't know what it is. I am filled with so many different feelings. Every day my dream gets bigger. Sometimes it seems attainable. Sometimes it doesn’t seem attainable at all. I feel like I’m on the edge of something big, but I just can’t see over the edge, and every day I feel closer to the edge, and at the same time, the edge seems so far away. I’m very excited to have a dream, btw. I don’t feel like I’ve really had one in a while, not one that was so big, so real, so exciting, yet so unattainable but that could only be attainable with God.

I’m going to see a movie tomorrow that sounds very interesting. God Grew Tired Of Us I’m so interested in this movie. I’m interested in knowing how someone who did not grow up here or without all the “luxuries” we have views America and Americans. (Can you tell I’m “interested”? I used the word three times in three sentences.) The dream I’m dreaming is so not the “American Dream.” I wouldn’t really know how to define my dream, maybe the “Impossibly Possible Dream.”

I just wonder how this dream is lining up with God’s plan for my life, because the only way it will become a reality is if it’s in line with God’s plan for my life.

Just a question: Do you think God is growing tired of Americans?

on the verge of a revolution

2007-01-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

I am inspired more and more every day, every minute. It's growing inside of me, this feeling that I can't shake; I can't let go of it; I can't ignore it. How long has God been silently screaming at me, "WAKE UP my precious daughter and hear the words I'm speaking straight to your heart.” It is as if I have been lulled to sleep by this world. I have become like the world. Even though I have heard this verse and totally believed I’ve been living it out, the truth is, I think I have fooled myself into believing I was doing anything close to what it says:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

My mind is finally being renewed! I feel like it's all around me, God is speaking to my husband, my friends, to me to rise up and start a revolution. It is irresistible! I have an urging in my heart I cannot resist!

A song has been in my mind all morning since I read the comments posted by my friends. It’s “Verge of a Miracle” by Rich Mullins – a non-conformist, I might add.

Verge of a Miracle

Clung to a ball
That was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit
There You are
Whether you fall down
Or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far
Someone's waiting to put wings
Upon your flightless heart

CHORUS:
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

Here in your room
Where nobody can see
Voices are loud But seldom clear
But beneath the confusion
That's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear
The love that seems so far away
Is standing very near

When you've played out
Your last chance
And your directions
Have all been lost
When the roads that you look down
Are all dead ends
Look up
You could see if you'd just look up

Are we on the verge of a miracle? Are we on the verge of a revolution? I should stop looking to myself for the answer and look up!

the more later....

2007-01-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Oh that the Bright Morning Star would transform my heart. I am so conditioned to want something and go buy it for myself. I have no need for any thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs, health needs, but as for a need of things, I lack nothing that could be labeled as a need.

So here’s what I’m struggling with at the moment. I don’t see a middle ground, although I know there is one, but I don’t think middle ground has anything to do with God. I feel like middle ground is compromise, and I know God wants all of me without compromise – to let go of my every thing so He can be my Everything, but how do I get there?

Gah, this could be a never ending "more later..." deal, cause how could I end this train of thought with that?

So, more later...

So much less equals so much more

2007-01-10T03:39:00.000-08:00

Could it be that my life was actually meant to be so much more than it is right now? I feel that by giving up what I have I will gain so much more. Not that this is any new concept. I've heard it all my life in church, but have I actually believed it? I think I believed it, I just never applied this principle to my own life. Or maybe I have just a bit, but very minimally. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself by even thinking I can believe the last sentence I just typed by justifying it with, "Well, I've never had much, and what I have isn't by any means the best." But I have plenty of what I do have, so much so that I can't keep it all organized.
More later...

Good grief! I am actually hungry!

2007-01-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

Have I ever really been starving? Starving like people who can't go to McDonalds and order a Big Mac? Starving like homeless people or children in Africa? As I am in the process of making one last batch of chex mix to not "waste" what we have, have I ever truly experienced real hunger pains due to starvation? As a result of physical hunger, I don't think I've ever truly been starving, although I've about a brazillion times said, "I'm starving!" If I am physically hungry, I go eat. Most of the time I don't even allow myself to feel hungry before I am eating again.

It's January 5th, and I am on my third day of trying to cut back on what I eat (to get in better shape), and today I feel hungry, and I'm not jumping up to run to McDonald's. (Have you seen the movie "Super-Size Me"? Holy cow! I didn't eat Micky D's french fries for at least six months after watching that movie.) The point is I'm feeling hungry. I wonder if this is anything close to what our Compassion International children feel. I doubt it.

I am starving in another way though. I am starving for intimate time with God, connecting with God - an uninterrupted, undistracted intimate connection with God, but dangit, there is always something to do, some place to be, something to clean, some meal to prepare. Times before when I have fasted from food, I have felt a more intimate connection with God than I've felt during most times in my life. During those times, I cried out to God to sustain me, to let Him be what filled me up instead of food. Could it be that starving children in Africa are actually more connected with God than I could ever be due to the fact that I can get my fill physically whenever I want to? Could it be that what brings me physical comfort (a nice house, a nice car, plenty of clothes, food whenever I want it) be creating one huge obstacle between God and me?

May today's hunger pains serve as a reminder and be the beginning of getting my fill of God before I get my fill of my own desires to create a comfortable life for myself.