Pain = Life

Holy cow, I cannot believe it's been since July that I've blogged. I've so wanted to so many times, but since our lives changed and we've been at the ranch, I've been so focussed on what goes on here and learning about life with more than just Michael and me in our immediate family, that I couldn't come up with much to blog on. I kinda lost myself in the craziness of this new life. Not that I haven't had plenty to blog about, but I've been so focussed on life here, that every time I felt the desire to write something here, I couldn't come up with anything that didn't involve the boys. I just couldn't write without it being personalized about them. I couldn't figure out how to write about them using generalities; it's way too personalized to do that. But now (I hope) that I've found myself again and have way more to blog about.

For instance, pain. The last two days have involved physical pain for Michael. Yesterday, our dog's (Tabor) foot got caught in an animal trap, and while Michael was trying to free him from the trap, Tabor, in his panic of trying to free himself from the trap, was gnawing at Michael's hands. Once Tabor was free, we realized that he was okay, but there was blood everywhere from where Tabor had bit Michael several times. Tabor essentially was not hurt, and the blood that was on Tabor was Michael's blood, not his.

Then today, Michael was helping take apart a stage and one of the pieces of the stage fell on his back and leg, and we spent some time in the ER getting his leg stitched up. His back didn't need stitches, but that is where the piece of the stage hit him first, and that hurts worse than where he got stitches.

I know where I'm wanting to go with this, but I'm not sure how to get there...

So, if you're alive, you must experience pain. I mean isn't that the deal, once you're dead, um, no more pain? It's way more than just physical pain, it's emotional pain too. That goes away once you're dead too. But sometimes I go through times in my life that seem to be pretty pain free. So does that mean I'm not really living? Does it possibly mean that I'm not growing, or that I'm not living to the extent that God created me to live? God is ALIVE! Does He experience pain? Does God's heart hurt when I don't live out the life he created me to live?

But someone might argue that if God wants us to live life and live it to the fullest, why would He want us to experience pain? The simple answer for me is that living life to the fullest doesn't mean we are exempt from pain. I think to live life to the fullest, we must experience pain, heartbreak, loss, misunderstandings, and failures. It's getting through the pain that gets us closer, that helps us grow, that builds us up, that prepares us for the next steps of the journey.

But we pray so hard to be exempted from the pain, as opposed to God seeing us through the pain. I pray that I will not fear the pain, but that when it comes, that I will not be exempt from God holding me close in His arms and seeing me through it.

new life

We are loving it out here at the ranch, and we are loving what God has called us to do here. Just this morning as one of our boys was walking out the door to go to work, tears sprang into my eyes out of love for him and my gratefulness to God for placing these boys in our lives. I'm not insinuating it's not tough, because these boys have a life-time of their own issues, but it's been amazing how God works through that, through us, through them.

let's go fly a kite

flying a kite is interesting business. it seems so fun and exciting and cool if you have a really cool kite, which we do. i'm guessing hot-z cleaned out the trunk of her car and found an eagle kite that we had at our old home that must have got left in her trunk when she helped us move. she dropped it off today, and the next thing we knew, one of our boys (k) was looking at it and trying to put it together. it has been a windy day but not overly windy. we finally, after a long time of trying, got the kite up in the air. i think that's the most exciting part is when it finally gets on the right gust of wind and takes flight. i don't think we have ever flown a kite where we thought we had long enough string, regardless of how long it was.

michael was told by k after the experience that every boy should have a dad who does that with him. i'm sure michael knows how to fly a kite because his father showed him. i remember flying a kite with my mom before i was 5 years old. k had never flown one before. i'm glad he got to today.

back to blogger

my world has been one big whirlwind since the last time i blogged. of course i'm thinking anyone who was possibly reading this blog has given up on it, but as the writer of this blog, i have missed it tremendously. at first stuff was going on that i couldn't blog about but it was the only thing on my mind, so i couldn't come up with anything that wasn't related to this huge directional shift that God has moved us towards. i think finally our feet have landed safely on the new path, but it's been a crazy ride to get here - so many emotions and feelings and new things. i'm so excited about this new journey in our great adventure.

the art of losing myself

So I'm learning to play the guitar. I was given a wonderful gift from my father-in-law for Christmas at least 6 or 7 years ago. It was a Yamaha guitar that he had bought years before, and he gave his guitar to me when I showed interest in wanting to learn to play. I picked it up for a bit and even took a few lessons, Tiffany showed me how to play, "Light the Fire", but learning how to play the guitar is hard for me. I am usually pressed for time in my life, and when playing the guitar didn't come naturally, I found it hard to make time for learning to play.

But recently, my dear friend, Hot-z, has taken the time to sit with me on several occasions and teach me and afford me an extreme amount of patience, and I can actually play some stuff on the guitar. I've been amazed at my ability to learn and see improvement. Every time I play with Hot-z, I get better. It's still hard, and I still struggle, but with Hot-z's patience, help and encouragement, I am getting better.

I've wanted to learn to play guitar so I could be my own worship leader, so that I wouldn't be dependant on anyone else or cd's or whatever - to just be able to spontaneously worship God whenever I want to. It's so easy for me to connect and commune with God through song, but I know God is wanting me to connect and commune with Him when it's not so easy, when it's not so natural, when it's inconvenient, when it doesn't make sense, when it feels like my world is crashing in on me. I'm so into this song right now, "From the Inside Out", which I cannot play, btw, it's too hard for me at this point. Here's the words.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

My soul is crying out to bring God praise, and I can lose myself in a worship service, but I want to lose myself away from the church building. I want myself to be out of the way, so I can lose myself in God's will, in God's passion, in God's recklessness. So many things in my life seem and feel conditional and even like a controlled response, and my soul is crying out to get out of this shell of what's expected and take some chances, stumble a bit and let God catch me in His grace.

When all is lost

all is left to gain.

Fusion rocked the house last night!!!

Last night, Fusion was amazing! The band was so amazing and led everyone in some amazing worship. Sam had to la la, which always makes me smile. Everything just felt right last night once Fusion got started. Michael shared a message about sticking with God through hard times and shared some really encouraging stuff about how to do that. One of my fav quotes from the night was, "If you are worried about something, pray about it. If you've prayed about it, stop worrying about it." It's so simple to say that but sometimes so hard to do.

I have friends who are worriers, and I have come to the realization that I'm an avoider. I adhere way more to the quote than I do to hanging on to worries. Not that I go through life worry-free, but I do turn stuff over to God and trust in Him to work His will, and I'm pretty much okay with whatever His will is. But I also have this thing inside me that can almost instantly detach from something that is going to make me cry, and somehow I can avoid dealing with the a painful emotion. I'm not saying this is a good thing. It's just how I work. It's a subconscious thing too, like I don't really even realize it's happening until the feeling to cry is gone almost in an instant. It's really weird how it works. Like I cry my eyes out at movies, but I guess it's when I'm faced with real-life situations that this avoidance thing kicks in. I'm not afraid to cry at all and have actually cried more recently than I have in a long time, and I am grateful that I am allowing myself to live in the moment and not avoid painful stuff again, because I had a guard up for a while there, but God has broken down this guard, and for that I am thankful. But here's what happens, like if I am facing a sad situation, I will avoid letting myself get too emotional about it until I am face to face with the sad situation, and then once I'm face to face with it, I totally break down - heavy and hard.

So I'm really into Mat Kearney right now. I am totally digging his cd, and especially the song, "All I Need."

Oh, and I got to text with Tanya in Africa today. I have never texted with anyone in a different country, much less on a different continent (thank you g-mail!). That was way cool! She's doing well. She had been sick but is feeling better. It brings me much joy to read about her experiences. She talked about how when they worship, they sing at the top of their lungs and they dance. Oh how I would love this freedom to worship in this way with a group of people!!! I want to dance for God and sing at the top of my lungs, and I do sing loud and I do move around, but when I'm in a group of people, it's always held back. Now I will let it all out in my living room and dance and sing, but I wish there wasn't this weird feeling when I'm in a worship service. I wish I didn't care so much about what someone would think, and I wish that everyone else was doing it, so if I did it, it wouldn't be so distracting to others. The worship conundrum for me i guess.