the art of losing myself

So I'm learning to play the guitar. I was given a wonderful gift from my father-in-law for Christmas at least 6 or 7 years ago. It was a Yamaha guitar that he had bought years before, and he gave his guitar to me when I showed interest in wanting to learn to play. I picked it up for a bit and even took a few lessons, Tiffany showed me how to play, "Light the Fire", but learning how to play the guitar is hard for me. I am usually pressed for time in my life, and when playing the guitar didn't come naturally, I found it hard to make time for learning to play.

But recently, my dear friend, Hot-z, has taken the time to sit with me on several occasions and teach me and afford me an extreme amount of patience, and I can actually play some stuff on the guitar. I've been amazed at my ability to learn and see improvement. Every time I play with Hot-z, I get better. It's still hard, and I still struggle, but with Hot-z's patience, help and encouragement, I am getting better.

I've wanted to learn to play guitar so I could be my own worship leader, so that I wouldn't be dependant on anyone else or cd's or whatever - to just be able to spontaneously worship God whenever I want to. It's so easy for me to connect and commune with God through song, but I know God is wanting me to connect and commune with Him when it's not so easy, when it's not so natural, when it's inconvenient, when it doesn't make sense, when it feels like my world is crashing in on me. I'm so into this song right now, "From the Inside Out", which I cannot play, btw, it's too hard for me at this point. Here's the words.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

My soul is crying out to bring God praise, and I can lose myself in a worship service, but I want to lose myself away from the church building. I want myself to be out of the way, so I can lose myself in God's will, in God's passion, in God's recklessness. So many things in my life seem and feel conditional and even like a controlled response, and my soul is crying out to get out of this shell of what's expected and take some chances, stumble a bit and let God catch me in His grace.

When all is lost

all is left to gain.

Fusion rocked the house last night!!!

Last night, Fusion was amazing! The band was so amazing and led everyone in some amazing worship. Sam had to la la, which always makes me smile. Everything just felt right last night once Fusion got started. Michael shared a message about sticking with God through hard times and shared some really encouraging stuff about how to do that. One of my fav quotes from the night was, "If you are worried about something, pray about it. If you've prayed about it, stop worrying about it." It's so simple to say that but sometimes so hard to do.

I have friends who are worriers, and I have come to the realization that I'm an avoider. I adhere way more to the quote than I do to hanging on to worries. Not that I go through life worry-free, but I do turn stuff over to God and trust in Him to work His will, and I'm pretty much okay with whatever His will is. But I also have this thing inside me that can almost instantly detach from something that is going to make me cry, and somehow I can avoid dealing with the a painful emotion. I'm not saying this is a good thing. It's just how I work. It's a subconscious thing too, like I don't really even realize it's happening until the feeling to cry is gone almost in an instant. It's really weird how it works. Like I cry my eyes out at movies, but I guess it's when I'm faced with real-life situations that this avoidance thing kicks in. I'm not afraid to cry at all and have actually cried more recently than I have in a long time, and I am grateful that I am allowing myself to live in the moment and not avoid painful stuff again, because I had a guard up for a while there, but God has broken down this guard, and for that I am thankful. But here's what happens, like if I am facing a sad situation, I will avoid letting myself get too emotional about it until I am face to face with the sad situation, and then once I'm face to face with it, I totally break down - heavy and hard.

So I'm really into Mat Kearney right now. I am totally digging his cd, and especially the song, "All I Need."

Oh, and I got to text with Tanya in Africa today. I have never texted with anyone in a different country, much less on a different continent (thank you g-mail!). That was way cool! She's doing well. She had been sick but is feeling better. It brings me much joy to read about her experiences. She talked about how when they worship, they sing at the top of their lungs and they dance. Oh how I would love this freedom to worship in this way with a group of people!!! I want to dance for God and sing at the top of my lungs, and I do sing loud and I do move around, but when I'm in a group of people, it's always held back. Now I will let it all out in my living room and dance and sing, but I wish there wasn't this weird feeling when I'm in a worship service. I wish I didn't care so much about what someone would think, and I wish that everyone else was doing it, so if I did it, it wouldn't be so distracting to others. The worship conundrum for me i guess.