Friday, March 23, 2007

the art of losing myself

So I'm learning to play the guitar. I was given a wonderful gift from my father-in-law for Christmas at least 6 or 7 years ago. It was a Yamaha guitar that he had bought years before, and he gave his guitar to me when I showed interest in wanting to learn to play. I picked it up for a bit and even took a few lessons, Tiffany showed me how to play, "Light the Fire", but learning how to play the guitar is hard for me. I am usually pressed for time in my life, and when playing the guitar didn't come naturally, I found it hard to make time for learning to play.

But recently, my dear friend, Hot-z, has taken the time to sit with me on several occasions and teach me and afford me an extreme amount of patience, and I can actually play some stuff on the guitar. I've been amazed at my ability to learn and see improvement. Every time I play with Hot-z, I get better. It's still hard, and I still struggle, but with Hot-z's patience, help and encouragement, I am getting better.

I've wanted to learn to play guitar so I could be my own worship leader, so that I wouldn't be dependant on anyone else or cd's or whatever - to just be able to spontaneously worship God whenever I want to. It's so easy for me to connect and commune with God through song, but I know God is wanting me to connect and commune with Him when it's not so easy, when it's not so natural, when it's inconvenient, when it doesn't make sense, when it feels like my world is crashing in on me. I'm so into this song right now, "From the Inside Out", which I cannot play, btw, it's too hard for me at this point. Here's the words.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

My soul is crying out to bring God praise, and I can lose myself in a worship service, but I want to lose myself away from the church building. I want myself to be out of the way, so I can lose myself in God's will, in God's passion, in God's recklessness. So many things in my life seem and feel conditional and even like a controlled response, and my soul is crying out to get out of this shell of what's expected and take some chances, stumble a bit and let God catch me in His grace.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

i myself am having a hard time playing this song. mostly i struggle playing and singing at the same time... like during the verses.

you are certainly not giving yourself enough credit. you're doing amazingly wonderful with your guitar. i'm totally comfortable sitting with you and not playing and you leading in worship.

however, one of my favorite things to do is to sit and play together with you.

tiffany beaver said...

when i get home we need to have a massive jam session :-)

(and i love that song)

(and i love you)

Shari said...

I just today saw your comment on my blog- from a month ago. I've been completely negligent of my blog, email, and myspace. They are victims of too little time- much like your struggle with practicing guitar. I took lessons many years ago, lead some worship time during college here and there, but all in all I'm so not good. But, like you, have the desire to return to it. There is something precious about that ability to usher others into that time of communion with our maker. Thanks for your prayers! It's been quite a journey with new avenues of growth for me. And I love to organize, clean, and pack. Crazy! But- perhaps Schmeven's passport is a casualty?

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