it's been since January?

I can't believe it's been that long since I've blogged. Maybe I'll be more regular. Who knows.

So I'm sitting here drinking a green tea and getting ready to write some reports for work (not one of my favorite things to do - maybe that's why I've found myself here blogging - avoidance tactic).

I found this quote recently, and it's a good description of where I am finding myself on the verge of turning 40 years old.

The thing that is really hard,
and really amazing
is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of
becoming yourself.

Anna Quindlen

I am awakening to the idea of really finding out and becoming who it is the God has created me to be, not the person I think I should be or the Christian I think I should be. Should be an interesting part of my journey. I can't wait to find out.

my so-called life

We took our dog, Ginger, to get her blood sugar level checked last week- actually, it's her fructosamine level which indicates how well her diabetes is under control or not under control. A good fructosamine level is between 280 - 340. Since we've moved to Canton in April, Ginger's fructosamine level has been above 450. The results of her last test were 700ish. It should be going down, not up. Every time we've had her tested, the Vet has increased the amount of insulin we give her, and every time we've increased it, her fructosamine level has gone up instead of down. We have to take her to the vet tomorrow for a full-day exam. I'm hoping we can get this under control. She still takes walks with us and trots around. She crosses her legs when she lies down. She sleeps way more than she used to these days. Her sniffer still works even though her eyes don't. She can find food or something that's had food on it or ever even thought of being food in a split second. Yesterday, she walked out of our living room with the lid to the trash can stuck around her neck where she'd stuck her head through it to find out what was in the trash can. She's a good old girl.

We went to the YMCA tonight, and it was packed. I opted to just do cardio instead of it taking forever to go through my weights. I rarely have to wait to use a weight machine, but I guess the New Years resolutionists came out in force tonight. I'm so thankful that we started our road to better health in August instead of waiting until the new year to get motivated.

I finished watching the last episode of "My So Called Life" (MSCL) while I was on the elliptical machine. The Y has a tv and dvd player at every cardio machine. I've been watching MSCL since we started working out as I do cardio. That show is my all-time favorite tv show. It only lasted one season, which is typical of any show I really enjoy (other than Survivor, Amazing Race, and 24). "Freaks and Geeks" was another of my one-season favorites. It was about being in high school in the 80's, which was sooo me.

Memories of being a teenager in the 80's:

• wearing pink leg warmers to school over my jeans, even though it wasn't cold outside
• Michael Jackson was cool
• Prince was not over-the-top weird and was still considered cool (or at least I liked him)
• Loverboy and the red leather pants one of the members of the band wore, along with a headband if I remember correctly
• headbands were cool
• having to wait until I was 12 to get my ears pierced for the first time
• Members Only jackets (I had a fake one)
• only rich people had computers in their homes
• Pong and Atari
• Frogger, Centipede, Pacman, Galaga (my personal favorite)
• Rubix Cube
• skateboards were for riding around on and getting from one friend's house to another on your street, not for tricks and riding down railings
• Yard of the Month awards in our neighborhood
• no stadium seating in movie theaters, it costs $4 to go to a movie, there were still $1 theaters in every town
• Drive-In theaters
• cussing was hardly ever heard on tv, and the bleep you here now, sometimes every 3 seconds on some shows, was rarely heard at all
• after midnight, there would be nothing on tv except the national anthem and an American flag
• I would rather die than miss going to the skating rink on Friday nights, and getting asked to "couples" skate was a huge highlight
• wearing a comb at all times in your back pocket. I had one that said, "If you can read this, you're too close" and that's no joke

So there's the evidence that I wasn't all that cool in the 80's, even though I sure thought I was, at times anyway. I wish I would have spent way more time trying to impress God than I did my peers. God sure must have laughed at me and thought I was really silly sometimes. I'm so glad he still loves me anyway.

lists

I have friends who blog using lists of random thoughts, so I thought I'd give it a try. Here goes:

• today has been a crazy day
• we went to the movies and saw "Enchanted". It was a cute, fun movie.
• we also had an amazing service at church today. i love our church!!! it was packed! we had to sit three rows from the back, which was actually pretty good, but the music was not as loud as down front where we usually sit, and I like it loud! our pastor, Gary Lamb, is doing a series called, "Confessions of a Pastor." one of the things i admire about Gary is that he is real - just-like-you-and-me real, well maybe not JUST LIKE but he has struggles and issues and is a growing Christ follower and isn't afraid to admit that he's not perfect. what you see on Sundays is what you get every other day of the week. i think that's pretty cool!
  
• i love that i have a husband who will go see movies like "Enchanted" with me. we would have seen something else, but the timing of that movie worked out best with what our boys wanted to see, "I Am Legend."
• we had our first er visit for one of our boys this week. we were in the er in Jasper from 10ish to midnightish, and then we had to drive to Canton to the 24 hours Walgreen's to get a prescription for pain meds. he's going to be okay. :)
  
• two of our boys said two of the ranch dogs treed a bobcat while they were out hiking - CRAZY!
• we didn't go to the YMCA the entire week between Christmas and New Years, and my body felt it sooo much when we went back. i hate missing working outs like that. we did a few cardio things during that time, but it didn't help fight a few gained pounds from Christmas or the pain my body felt after the first couple of work outs after the 1st.
• oh my gosh, Michael got a book for Christmas, "Blind Courage" by Bill Irwin. Bill Irwin hiked the entire Appalachian Trail, and Bill Irwin is blind. he hiked it with his seeing-eye dog, Orient. Check him out on youtube. it's an amazing story of courage and faith.
• i've wanted to hike on the Appalachian Trail for a while now - like really hike it - i'm talking backpacks and spending the night a few nights. after reading this story, i'm even more encouraged to do so.
• Michael and i got lots of books for Christmas. another book i got was "Into the Wild". It sounds like an interesting story. They've made a movie of it, which we could have seen today, but i don't like seeing a movie before i read the book.
• well, must go to watch "Amazing Race"
  
• we took our dog to get our blood sugar level checked yesterday. she's diabetic and blind, and she gets around great for being 12 years old
  
• can't wait to see how this week unfolds
  

lists

things i am missing:
1. remote for dvd player that we have not had since we moved 8 months ago
2. a real family connection with my side of the family
3. connectivity time with my circle of friends i used to meet with regularly pre-ranch
4. old friends from hope
5. all that i held dear prior to our move

things i am enjoying:
1. church and being a part of a revolution that's all about LOVE
2. learning more about myself through parenting and all that living at this ranch means
3. sharing life with the 3 boys and the man who live in this house
4. Christmas time
5. the beauty that surrounds us out here
6. working out
7. my friends who love me just the way i am

things i need to work on:
1. connections
2. finding the dvd remote
3. being selfless
4. revolutionary love
5. quenching my thirst with purity-spiritually and physically

saying "i love you"

When was it that love became sooooo complicated? Was it as soon as Eve bit into the apple? Has it become more complicated over time, or has it always been complicated? What makes it so hard for some people to say "i love you." I guess it's because Godly love has not been expressed to them on a regular basis. I know God's love can break through. I know God's love is what gives us patience to break through. I pray God gives me the endurance to never give up, even on the hardest ones to break through. I pray that I will never misuse love, that it will always be in the purest form with the purest intent.

with love,
me

todd agnew

I am so into todd agnew's cd, "better questions." Here's my favorites so far in order
"if you wanted me"
"on a corner in memphis"
"martyr's song"
"glorious day"

i was going to just print some lyrics from "if you wanted me" that really stuck out to me, but all of them do, so here's the whole song:

I'll admit I'm glad we're not disciples
Out on a lake paralyzed with fright
'Cause I'm afraid I might have laughed at Peter
Until he stepped into that stormy night

If You wanted me to walk on water
Why'd You make this solid ground seem so right?

I'll admit I'm glad I'm not King David
Ruling over everything I see
'Cause I think I've fallen for more than Bathsheba
Your creation's a temptation for me

If You wanted me to love You only
Why'd you make the moonlight sparkle in her eyes?

I'll admit I'm glad I'm not John the Baptist
In a jail cell waiting for my day to die
'Cause at least down here
I know what we're chasing
And it's hard to trust
Your dreams are so much better than mine

If You wanted me to die to myself
Why'd You make me fall so deeply in love with life?

If You wanted me to surrender
Why'd You make these hands able to hold on so tight?

If You wanted me to be like You
Why'd You make me like me?

the imagery and truth to these lyrics amaze me and touch my soul. they remind me that God didn't have to create me, that He made me the way He did for a reason, and even though i will always experience temptations and challenges He wants me to keep striving to be like Him, even though He knows I'll never attain that, He wants me to have a heart like His, and in trying to become more like Him - every attempt draws me closer to Him - maybe even more so through my failures than my successes.

dogs

i sooo wonder what dogs are saying when they bark in response to each other. the ranch dog, comet, is on our front porch barking at only God knows what, and my blind dog, ginger, and my crazy dog, tabor, are set off by his barking, and they are barking, and i wonder what it's all about. is comet warning them of something he hears from his lookout? is he just saying, "you lucky dawgs, get to go inside and sleep in a warm big house" or "hey! you left me out here! i'm still out here! are you ever gonna let me come in there?"

we got hooked on "the dog whisperer" when we were in daytona this summer, and let me tell you, ceasar has changed my life - and tabor's. it's really a cool show, and it shows how screwed up dog owners can be. i was one of them. i totally misinterpreted a few of tabor's behaviors, but after 10 years of having this dog around, i think we've got him figured out, thanks to ceasar.