The Simple Life

Why does it seem so hard to live the simple way? It must be my skewed perception that makes it hard for me to see how simple it is. Please don’t confuse simple with easy, although it sounds like the two should go hand in hand. Is it easy for anyone to live simply, especially when you have to make the choice to do so? It’s got to be more than just making a choice to do without. There are plenty of people who are forced to do without and their lives are far from what I would call simple.

There’s plenty I could do without. But what does it really mean to live simply? Isn’t that what people have been doing for hundreds of years. We’ve been striving to make things more efficient in order that life becomes less complicated, less hectic, but everything just seems to get more and more hectic the more efficient everything becomes.

I’m striving to learn and understand how God wants me to live simply. Is it a matter of simply living for Him? I feel like I don’t have any answers, but way deep down inside there’s something inside trying to get out. I can feel it. It’s like I know what to do, I just don’t know how to do it, or I just can’t see the answer clearly. I’m not sure if I need to take one huge leap of faith or a thousand baby steps of faith.

Whichever way You want it to be Bright Morning Star, I will humbly do. Please give me clarity to see what it is You want me to do or not do. Help me to become who You’ve created me to be. I am here. I am available. I am open.

Most of what we do in worldly life is geared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in baptism, in lakes and rain and tanks and fonts, you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's also holy, and absurd. It's about surrender, giving in to all those things we can't control; it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched.
- Anne Lamott from "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"

I read this the day after I shared with my friends that I thought I needed balance, but I wasn’t sure that’s what God wanted for me. It came in a daily e-mail I get from Sojourners.

I just don’t believe God wants us to be balanced, because that would mean that the part of me that is affected by the world and the part of me that is affected by God are the same, and wouldn’t that somehow cancel both of them out? I have prayed for balance sooo many times in my life. I wonder if when I pray this, God wants to take me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me.

But isn’t that what we are in search of, some balance where everything fits into its little place all nice and cozy, so we are all comfortable and everything is right with the world? What about right with God? I’ve believed that this balance would bring me happiness. But now I’m not so sure of that. In fact I’m not sure of it at all.

I think God is waiting on me to do something absurd. Something the world wouldn’t be expecting me to do – to give in to the things I can’t control. But this would put me so far out of balance! Well, it would put me out of the balance I’ve been searching for, but then maybe I’d have to depend on God a whole lot more for balance instead of depending on me or my circumstances for balance.

I’ve never thought I was a very controlling person. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my moments, but really what it looks like to me is I’ve been trying to control an uncontrollable God. Oh, believe me, it’s a weak attempt to control God, but I think I have been attempting to nonetheless.

So as the beginning of the chorus of the song that was sung at Fusion last night echoes through my mind, “So you want to change the world? What are you waiting for?” I ask myself, what am I waiting for?

Bright Morning Star, Uncontrollable Power and Passion, help me to let go of my idea of balance and find my balance in You, not the things of this world. Let me find comfort in being uncomfortable and unbalanced, knowing that You have me in the palm of Your hand.

something is happening

Something is going on; I just don't know what it is. I am filled with so many different feelings. Every day my dream gets bigger. Sometimes it seems attainable. Sometimes it doesn’t seem attainable at all. I feel like I’m on the edge of something big, but I just can’t see over the edge, and every day I feel closer to the edge, and at the same time, the edge seems so far away. I’m very excited to have a dream, btw. I don’t feel like I’ve really had one in a while, not one that was so big, so real, so exciting, yet so unattainable but that could only be attainable with God.

I’m going to see a movie tomorrow that sounds very interesting. God Grew Tired Of Us I’m so interested in this movie. I’m interested in knowing how someone who did not grow up here or without all the “luxuries” we have views America and Americans. (Can you tell I’m “interested”? I used the word three times in three sentences.) The dream I’m dreaming is so not the “American Dream.” I wouldn’t really know how to define my dream, maybe the “Impossibly Possible Dream.”

I just wonder how this dream is lining up with God’s plan for my life, because the only way it will become a reality is if it’s in line with God’s plan for my life.

Just a question: Do you think God is growing tired of Americans?

on the verge of a revolution

I am inspired more and more every day, every minute. It's growing inside of me, this feeling that I can't shake; I can't let go of it; I can't ignore it. How long has God been silently screaming at me, "WAKE UP my precious daughter and hear the words I'm speaking straight to your heart.” It is as if I have been lulled to sleep by this world. I have become like the world. Even though I have heard this verse and totally believed I’ve been living it out, the truth is, I think I have fooled myself into believing I was doing anything close to what it says:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

My mind is finally being renewed! I feel like it's all around me, God is speaking to my husband, my friends, to me to rise up and start a revolution. It is irresistible! I have an urging in my heart I cannot resist!

A song has been in my mind all morning since I read the comments posted by my friends. It’s “Verge of a Miracle” by Rich Mullins – a non-conformist, I might add.

Verge of a Miracle

Clung to a ball
That was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit
There You are
Whether you fall down
Or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far
Someone's waiting to put wings
Upon your flightless heart

CHORUS:
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

Here in your room
Where nobody can see
Voices are loud But seldom clear
But beneath the confusion
That's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear
The love that seems so far away
Is standing very near

When you've played out
Your last chance
And your directions
Have all been lost
When the roads that you look down
Are all dead ends
Look up
You could see if you'd just look up

Are we on the verge of a miracle? Are we on the verge of a revolution? I should stop looking to myself for the answer and look up!

the more later....

Oh that the Bright Morning Star would transform my heart. I am so conditioned to want something and go buy it for myself. I have no need for any thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs, health needs, but as for a need of things, I lack nothing that could be labeled as a need.

So here’s what I’m struggling with at the moment. I don’t see a middle ground, although I know there is one, but I don’t think middle ground has anything to do with God. I feel like middle ground is compromise, and I know God wants all of me without compromise – to let go of my every thing so He can be my Everything, but how do I get there?

Gah, this could be a never ending "more later..." deal, cause how could I end this train of thought with that?

So, more later...

So much less equals so much more

Could it be that my life was actually meant to be so much more than it is right now? I feel that by giving up what I have I will gain so much more. Not that this is any new concept. I've heard it all my life in church, but have I actually believed it? I think I believed it, I just never applied this principle to my own life. Or maybe I have just a bit, but very minimally. Or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself by even thinking I can believe the last sentence I just typed by justifying it with, "Well, I've never had much, and what I have isn't by any means the best." But I have plenty of what I do have, so much so that I can't keep it all organized.
More later...

Good grief! I am actually hungry!

Have I ever really been starving? Starving like people who can't go to McDonalds and order a Big Mac? Starving like homeless people or children in Africa? As I am in the process of making one last batch of chex mix to not "waste" what we have, have I ever truly experienced real hunger pains due to starvation? As a result of physical hunger, I don't think I've ever truly been starving, although I've about a brazillion times said, "I'm starving!" If I am physically hungry, I go eat. Most of the time I don't even allow myself to feel hungry before I am eating again.

It's January 5th, and I am on my third day of trying to cut back on what I eat (to get in better shape), and today I feel hungry, and I'm not jumping up to run to McDonald's. (Have you seen the movie "Super-Size Me"? Holy cow! I didn't eat Micky D's french fries for at least six months after watching that movie.) The point is I'm feeling hungry. I wonder if this is anything close to what our Compassion International children feel. I doubt it.

I am starving in another way though. I am starving for intimate time with God, connecting with God - an uninterrupted, undistracted intimate connection with God, but dangit, there is always something to do, some place to be, something to clean, some meal to prepare. Times before when I have fasted from food, I have felt a more intimate connection with God than I've felt during most times in my life. During those times, I cried out to God to sustain me, to let Him be what filled me up instead of food. Could it be that starving children in Africa are actually more connected with God than I could ever be due to the fact that I can get my fill physically whenever I want to? Could it be that what brings me physical comfort (a nice house, a nice car, plenty of clothes, food whenever I want it) be creating one huge obstacle between God and me?

May today's hunger pains serve as a reminder and be the beginning of getting my fill of God before I get my fill of my own desires to create a comfortable life for myself.